It's 12:02AM and I ran away from home tonight.

I ran across the stars and back to the moon where I watched the sun rise on the other side of the earth and it didn't make my eyes burn. I laid at the edge of galaxies and pondered what it means to be alive. I watched the universe fall and spin in chaotic beauty and became aware that I'd never been aware of it before.

It's 12:05AM and I just got home from a very long rehearsal and I should be doing homework or sleeping but instead I'm learning what it means to be alive. I'm trying to distinguish the difference between existing and living but it's a grey that flares into colors and doesn't make sense in my head.


It's 12:10AM and I'm thinking of your soul. How alive you are and how alive you make me feel, even if it is only second-hand. Even if it is only permanently temporary. I'm trying to learn from you and feel like you do because even if it's dark, at least there is color in it.

It's 12:14AM and I'm running running running
                                                                     running
                                                                                 running
                                                                                             r
                                                                                               u
                                                                                                  n
                                                                                                     n
                                                                                                        i
                                                                                                          n
                                                                                                             g
to you.


It's 12:42AM and I don't think I'm any closer to knowing how to be alive than I was before, but I know that this is the most concrete thing I've felt in a while. Being alive hurts like hell a lot of the time, but it's worth it for that light, full feeling you get in your heart sometimes. It's caring more about people than your grades sometimes. It's caring not about the time of day, only about finding the right words to express yourself with sometimes.

I know that it can't be defined because there are a lot of 'sometimes' and almost never an 'all the time' because living has always been inconstant.

Let's pretend that nothing will ever change.

Let's keep this moment enclosed in our own little infinity and remember everything that reason says doesn't matter because it matters to us.

Let's run in the snow and film videos that are probably the worst things we'll ever watch while you try to make me drink river water and we laugh because insects terrify me.

Let's play video games in your basement and flirt with each other because there's no one here to judge us for how we are when we're together and even when there is we don't care anyway.

Let's try to go to an art gallery twice because we didn't think to see when it's actually open.

Let's sing in a different language and not care how off key we are.

Let's lay in the grass and watch dumb videos because we like to laugh together.

Let's draw together and tell our stories and remember how to care about others.

Let's watch Clue while you gather the courage to hold my hand.

Let's smile together.

Let's fall in love.  

Let's fall in love and forget what comes after that because the ground is so far away and we're rushing through the clouds.

Let's forget the sixteenth and the day of Awkward Waves and Minimal Eye Contact.

Let's fall in love and pick each other back up again because we weren't meant to be in love but it seems we were meant to be together.

There is a boy man in an airplane. He's anxious and nervous and he can't stop tapping his foot or beating out rhythms with his fingers. He doesn't notice that although the sky turns from a bleak gray to blue the mountains fall flat and skyscrapers are raised in their place. He doesn't hear what anyone says because he's got music in his ears and in his heart and its all he needs. He's distracted.

He doesn't consider the fact that someone might be thinking of him.

Rooting for him.

No matter how much it kills her.

No matter how much it kills him.

--

It's hard to tell
What the trees
are supposed to look like

The sky is blue
But the wind
Freezes my bones

--

Relationship.
Not a thing that scares me.

Lover.
A romantic word for a romantic idea.

Partner.
A little too rigid for what it's come to mean.

Marriage.

That word scares me. It terrifies me. All I have seen come of it(besides movies) is two people who have spent so long hurting each other but can't find the courage to leave.

I don't have any poetic, longwinded thoughts on this.

All I have is a childish panic and fear.

All I have is a very grown up nightmare.

Dear You,

Stop
making
excuses

Love, Me

P.S. 

Maybe those names should be switched

She's covered in charcoal and regretting staying up late to confront her demons (who won again). He sits by her like he always does, ignorance clouding his mind and she doesn't know how to tell him. She doesn't know how to talk to him anymore because he won't know what she means when she tells him all she feels is the icy chill of winter in her hollow bones. He doesn't know how to talk to her anymore because she won't understand when he tells her all he feels is alone in a forest teeming with life.

And they stay silent again.

--

Too many cars drive by
Isolation
Is a common feeling

I've been trying so hard for so long to feel something. I've been numb for so long and passion slips through my fingers just as surely as the dandelions flew away with my dreams.

As surely as those dreams continue to slip through the fingers covered in the ink of the Future and Fear.

I see
a man across
from me
He is filled
with darkness
Swarming
with flies

I scatter them

My hand shakes and
I tremble
Not because I am cold
Because I am too warm
Because you burn me
With your
Piercing eyes

And I don't cry

I seem to have forgotten

All I hear is my heart

Dim but fast

Like footsteps

Fleeing into silence

Silhouettes speak

Noises sharpen

Into monsters

Darkness suffocates

And crawls

Like small spiders

The blankets offer

Little comfort

Against

My nightmares

--

The plague of our minds is the darkness that we can't find our way through. We are lost and blind and confused in the tangles of those dark recesses of our own thoughts. The part of our head and our imagination that we ignore. The part that only lives in our dreams. What we are and what we know is malleable in the subconscious of every human, for in our dreams the laws of everything become ours to manipulate and in the face of such power Mr. Hyde loves to take over.

Sweet dreams.