But I don't think he's him anymore, and that should at least make you feel a little better.

Hi there.

I've written you enough for the both of us, but you'll always be the only person who signed my junior yearbook, and isn't that something? I know I kept you talking tonight, I'm sorry. There's just not really anyone else I want to talk to. I also know that the last thing we talked about, how I said I wasn't mentally prepared to talk about it, it might not have made sense why I wouldn't be prepared to talk about it. I didn't tell you the whole story.

I think you can guess what it was. I don't know if I'm ready to admit it. Mostly because I know you will be uncomfortable since we already kind of went through it once and I don't mean to creep you out.

I'm sort of a mess and I don't know what to write especially since I feel like I always write about you which is a little weird... But I don't know how to say the things I want to say anymore. My heart is heavy but my head is cautious and my mouth won't form the words and I always tell you I love you and it's scary knowing you love someone more than they do you, even if it's more than you ever thought it would be.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'm lost.

Whether I'm lost with you or without you, I'm not sure.

This is scary.

Let me start over.

Hi there.

I write about you like I write about the stars, which is too much and too romanticized.

But beautiful.

Sorry, that was stupid.

Hi there.

Once you said the words, "You're not my sister!" To me. It was nothing but a joke, a passing moment. But for that passing moment as those words left your mouth, i imagined a world where you were my brother and we argued and fought and had burping contests and hated each other, but knew each other in a way no one but your siblings can, and loved each other in a way no one but your siblings can. For one single second you were my brother, and I thought I loved you more than anything.

That's a weird way to start this out.

One more time.

Hi there.

How do you tell someone that you love them and never want to lose them and that you want to be with them forever? How do you say, "I can't bear losing you because you're my best friend." to someone who you know doesn't consider you to be theirs, but you have to let them know somehow? Do you write letters to them every day? On paper, on your blog? Do you write multiple letters? Do you talk to them every night? Do you send them snapchats all day of things they don't care about just so they know you're thinking of them? Because you want them to think of you? Do you ask them to a dance simply because you're afraid it's your only chance?

I don't know, and I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong.

This might just be a little terrifying, actually.

Sorry.

I dreamed once that I kissed you
When I awoke I cried
I told myself I didn't want you

Sleep came slowly last night
Tears high with the rising tide
I dreamed once that I kissed you


I told myself I didn't want you


I dreamed once that I kissed you

I forget how it looks: the light
But I still can't decide
I told myself I didn't want you

Let's go back to tonight
To the moment before I died
I dreamed once that I kissed you
I told myself I didn't want you

Stop.

Stop everything.

Don't move, don't think, don't breathe.

Listen to me.

What is important to you?

That's scary... isn't it? I'm sure you have many wonderful answers, like religion, family, success. Tell me... Do you feel it in your bones how important they are? Does your heart beat faster because it beats for those things?

Can you tell me how much they mean to you? Will you cry because there's nothing more sacred?

I hope you do.

I hope you've got something to live for. Everyone should.

1. I'm that weird kid who never talks to anyone in class. You know when the teacher says, "Go find a group." And there's always one kid who just keeps their head down and waits until no one's noticed that they don't have a group and works alone? That's me. Most of the time I don't even switch to grade papers with anyone because the thought of talking to someone I'm not close with makes me so uncomfortable.

2. I hate meeting new people simply because I've met too many. Everyone intimidates me.

3. I am intensely awkward.

4. I know exactly who I am, and I hate it.

5. If we were at any point, friends, I will always be able to recall your full name.

6. Don't lie to me. I will never lie to you.

7. When I'm upset, don't try to cheer me up. Hold my hand, play with my hair, hug me. That will do me more good than anything.

8. I told my mother for years that I thought she should divorce my dad. It's happening now, and it still hurts me.

9. My lack of following through on my ambition terrifies me.

10. My family has a history of divorce and failed relationships. This hasn't scared me away from them, and I'm not sure why.

11. I went to church for the first time in months yesterday. I cried. A lot. Around complete strangers, by myself. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I told only my mother and one of my friends. Sorry if I screened your call and didn't text you back.

12. I constantly worry that no one will ever fall in love with me because when it comes to flirting or being considered for a girlfriend,  I seem to be very bad at it.

13. I didn't start acting until 9th grade. I didn't take it seriously until 10th.

14. I've always wanted to take singing lessons, piano lessons, and karate lessons. The reason I never did was because my family couldn't afford it.

15. I like my mom's side of the family more than my dads.

16. I hate gatorade. All kinds.

17. I bought red headphones a couple weeks ago because they reminded me of when red was my favorite color. It was my favorite color because a boy named Tanner Fraughton used to wear a red shirt.

18. I miss the tree in my front yard. I used to sit in it and draw.

19. I'm a terrible artist. I've never been able to keep up with all my artist friends.

20. I often stay quiet during classroom debates because even if I'm fairly certain I'm right, I don't want to be wrong.

21. I'm a lot more like my mother than I care to admit. I love her dearly.... but I never want to become her. Her trials are far too much for me to ever bear. That scares me. A lot.

22. I don't often say I love you. Those words are special to me and I find it difficult to make them leave my throat.

Look at the sky. The stars. Accept your insignificance,  and then accept your individuality. You are just one life in billions, but there has never been a you before.

Embrace that.

Forget.

Let everything troubling you go away.

Forget.

Think only of yourself, close your eyes and breathe. This isn't selfish, it's medetative.

Your mind will explode into colors behind your eyelids, and you will hear yourself speak.

This is good.

Hear what you have to say, without judgement. It's okay if you begin talking about things that don't matter, they will run their course. You will be left with emptiness.

Do not fear it.
Emptiness is not scary.
Sometimes it's exactly what you need.

Once you've reintroduced yourself, open your eyes again. Breathe in the cool air. (Your should be doing this outside, at night. Otherwise the air will probably be stale with everyone else's words and you don't want that. At night, the air is cool and fresh, and most importantly, not used.) Don't move. Smile a little, maybe. If you feel like it. Get up only when you think to yourself, "I wish I could feel this way all the time."

Embrace that thought. Know that no moment will ever last forever, and cherish it.

Go home.

Go to sleep.