I want to talk about you
But I don't want to go into specifics
Because then you'll know who you are
(if you ever read this)
And you'll know who I am.

But I have a lot of feelings about you.
A lot of confusion and a little hurt and a lot of caring and a little love.

I know these feelings are beyond pointless. You know that too.

And I'm sorry, you know. I'm so sorry about that. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have to be a burden to you that way.

But I'm not sorry because you are cute and honest and funny and so many other things.

But I am sorry because I see how much more comfortable you are with all the others I see you with. I'm sorry that I get jealous when you see them and your face lights up and you hug them and talk to them.

I'm sorry I messed up the easy relationship we had.

I'm sorry how messy I make everything. I'm sorry I am the way I am and that I can't put my feelings aside to make this easier for both of us.

I'm sorry that thinking about this makes my heart ache.

I'm sorry.

Let's take a minute to talk about our fears.
(feel free to share your own fears/philosophy on fear in the comments or on your own blog)

We all have a set of shallow fears. Spiders, the dentist, mosquitoes, etc.

But I want to talk about deeper fears.
The fall of oblivion when we pass on. Our bodies decaying not in the ground, but while we are still living.
(mostly)
The fear that someone we might or might not know holds our fragile soul in their hands and has the power to tear it in two.

The fear of regret, of the Might Have Beens.

The fear that we are truly unloved by those we hold close to our hearts.

The fear of the monsters in our heads.

The fear of being forgotten.
The fear of forgetting.

The fear of our fears.
Of being afraid
Of weaknesses
Like fear.

Sometimes I feel like I am ruled by those fears as if they dictate my life. That scares me too. I'm afraid of all these things, and I will admit it. I'm afraid of love, regret, loss, afraid of being forgotten. I'm afraid of the future, just like everyone else in highschool.

I'm afraid of being human.
But isn't that what makes me so human after all?

It's late.
It's always late.
And I'm still awake, like I tend to be when I should be sleeping.
I will probably be exhausted tomorrow, but that's okay.

I just want to write.

I can see Orion from my window.
A lot of people will tell you that Orion is their favorite constellation. Is it because he is easy to recognize? And most don't care to find the other ones? Or does everyone just really connect to the story of a hunter and his dog shooting arrows at a bear with a freakishly long tail?

Cause I can tell you that I sure don't. Maybe that's not important. Maybe I'm the only one who has ever thought about that.

The night is so comforting. It's like a soft, cool blanket over the world that the universe has poked a few holes in so that it can still keep an eye on us. If I wasn't afraid of animals eating me I would lay outside every night just to watch the stars and wait for their light to lull me to sleep.

Maybe I am tired after all.

Maybe goodnight.

My heart is broken
And I won't use a metaphor involving
Shattered glass
Or grenades and their shrapnel
Because a broken heart is still
Whole
That's why it hurts so much
It's easy to imagine that it
Has shattered
Than face the reality
That it is just as whole as it was
Before

We have grown up in a generation of
inadequacy.
We are taught that everyone else are athletes
And we can't run
Like they can

If all of us feel that way
It begs the question:

Where are the athletes?

Let's go back

to our pavement days

When we knew

what it was to be

a human

but before we

second guessed ourselves

When what we saw

Wasn't nearly as

Important

As what we

Imagined

Before we realized

How complex

It all is

When our memories

Were soft blurs

That meant

nothing

And the future

Was all our lives meant

Do you see a difference

from then until now?

The story of Endymion has gotten rather muddled over many years. I am choosing to take his name on as a metaphor for waking. Endymion slept eternally because the goddess of the moon(Selene) loved him so, and he her. She wanted him to stay ageless and deathless so Zues made him sleep.